October 26th, 2005

A Bag of Rice


jabberwocky
I seriously need "Sleeping for Dummies." At first I didn't want to sleep because I didn't want to put down Harry Potter 5 but when I finally gave up I couldn't sleep anymore. I finally slept at around 5 and woke up at around 10, all groggy and sleepy, but I had no choice since we're supposed to visit the reserved venues for my debut (yeach).

I was eating breakfast this morning, which is a rare circumstance because I wake up in the afternoon during the break or when I have school I usually don't have the time to eat anymore. I don't really know what they do to the leftover food. Either 1) it gets thrown away (e.g fried egg that you can't really preserve for someone to eat later); 2) It is kept in the endless realm of our refridgerator and a) it gets eaten right away; or b) some martyr in the house (oh that's mom) tries to eat it so that it won't go to waste; or c) it stocks up interesting-looking molds but since I'm no scientist yet, it has no use for me and it gets thrown into the trash anyway. Wow.

Anyway, I'll get to my point soon. So I was busy eating fried rice, bacon and fried egg, while thinking about all sorts of things in my half-asleep mind, when someone called and my mom answered it. When she got back to the table, she told me that it was the old lady who comes to iron our clothes (sorry nakalimutan ko yung pangalan niya) who called asking if we still needed a driver because her son who was a taxi driver now needed to find work again. Since we did not need a driver at the moment, my mom told her that she will ask around if she knows anyone who needs the service of a driver. (Wait, wait...I think I remember her name now. If I remember it right, let's call he Aling Linda.) Aling Linda also asked my mom if she could perhaps borrow money which she will pay back with her services when we needed her because they needed to buy rice to eat for the day because they had run out of it. So my mom agreed, and while telling me all this, she was packing some rice (bigas ha), a bag of pandesals bought yesterday which no one bothered to eat, a pack of Oreos still edible but was forgotten by everyone here at home, and a 500 peso bill I think.

Finally, Aling Linda arrived at our doorstep and was asked to come inside the entrance that opens to the kitchen and eating place, where I was. It felt awkward to be there, and I didn't really feel comfortable eating away this meal of mine. Anyway, I kept silent and tried my best to eat as fast as I can before anyone could see that my eyes were getting shiny. They were talking, and she was telling my mom how a close relative of hers died, and so the wake took place in their house and while she was busy going around, managing everything she found that she couldn't breathe and she was brought to the hospital. Due to this, her income of course (she is the breadwinner of the family) went to hospital expenses, and you know these expenses...can be bloody hell. (Actually, fine, fine, I don't but I can just imagine.) So because of this, she wasn't able to budget for their daily needs. I sat there thinking, wow, I can imagine this was like SI (i.e. social investigation done in visits to Payatas by ACLC), though I haven't done SI yet and I wanted to butt in the conversation but I didn't want to at the risk of being rude and besides, the lack of venom or shyness was in the way.

I am so verbose. (Incoherence for Dummies by me) Anyway, she mentioned her son, na bakla daw pero matalino, who is in first year college right now taking up (guess what) BS BIOLOGY. She said he stopped studying for now and is looking for work because she could not continue to pay for the tuition in University of Makati. At this moment, my own little world stopped and everything just went BAM! against my forehead. They continued to talk about schooling and her other kids and other stuff but my mind was stuck to that little bit she she said about his son. It struck me so much and it was started to make my eyes shiner every minute, so, not wanting to get more rice out of shame, I just gobbled up the remains of my bacon and egg.

I went to the bathroom (my lair, my sanctuary :D) and released a catharsis right then and there. (Don't worry folks, catharsis-emotional release. Nothing nasty or biological:D) Imagine. Here was a guy, no different than me, a student, taking up the same course but had stop studying to look for work. And here I am, studying in one of the most prestigious schools, slacking off, cutting classes, and dreading each day of school. WOW. Here I am, free to eat almost anything I want but I still have the guts to complain and worry about everything when some people worry if they will have something to eat today.

I couldn't help but let out a few tears there thinking about how much I've taken my life and my education for granted and at the same time I couldn't help but wonder why all these things have to happen. Why does money have to be THE borderline of this wide gap among many peoples? Why does money have to be the deciding factor that dictates the life and status of one person in society? Who really has a right to say that people who have no money are poor and the people who are so full of it are rich? *sigh*...Money can really complicate life when in essence it is not...

Moral of the day: Be thankful for what you have.
Money is not everything.
Posted by jabberwocky at 08:22 PM | 2 couch potato/es

My Little Dystopia


jabberwocky
 
In the midst of the night, in the silence of darkened surroundings, it comes to me. All I can hear is the whirring of non-living things, the machines- the electric fan beside me, the air conditioner and constant clicking sound the keyboard makes as I type these words onto the plasma screen. The only sound of life I hear is my sobbing, the only things I feel- tears flowing from my tired eyes and this heaviness..and yet this emptiness inside my being. Oh I long for even that unbearable lightness of being...whatever that really is, that Milan Kundera once knew.

In the shadow of the night it comes to me and I do nothing but cower in the darkness. No time is better but now, to emphasize its presence. It makes itself known to me and slaps me on my face, left, right, left, right...as if such a human being deserves such cruelty... Wherever I go it taunts me...it does everything it can to haunt me and bring me down.

In school, it trails behind me, whispering words of mockery and I plunge into the sea of people as I search for familiar faces in hopes of losing it. I find the faces of friends who have shared with me many joys and pains even from so long ago...but even in the comfort of these very friends, you, you find many ways to strike me down. In the classroom, ah yes, this is where you laugh the loudest. It is sad that only I can hear your horrifying laugh. It is in the classroom where you almost always win the battle. These faces, these people, are so hard to reach...and I, a distant face in the background, like a wallflower at the loudest, most enjoyable prom night...fades into non-existence. Left alone to mingle with the dissected frogs, the frikkin visual aids and the smelly books in the library.

Wherever I go you find ways for me to skip a meal or so, to sulk in the library...or to do useless nothings in hopes of finding distractions. At this point, I still do not hate you for that. But I hate you now for this unbearable weight within me. For these tears in my eyes. For this heaving of the chest.

Many months ago, I wrote this:

Sa dami ng taong makakasalamuha, sa daming lugar na mapupuntahan, sa daming
libangan at gawaing maaring atupagin, sa laki ng daigdig na ito ay
nakapagtatakang isipin...
na ang mundo ay maari parin maging isang mapanglaw na lugar...
na ang isang tao ay maari paring makaramdam na siya'y nagiisa...

It's funny how much I am feeling this right now and it's funny how just one person...or two...can make you feel so, so lonely, despite having everything else. It is a haunting word...with its unfathomable depth, its darkness... It's like a Dementor from the Harry Potter series, that tries to suck out all the happiness in you. It makes you fear this question:

Are you happy?

It makes you bitter, because it makes you want to crush and destroy all beings that emit laughter, couples cuddling with each other, boisterous groups fooling around with
each other, and everything else in this earth. It makes you jealous too because deep inside you you know you want to feel the way those happy creatures do so badly. Or at least not feel anything the way immobile things do. But even the plants feel, so you scrap that out, maybe you'd rather be a tapeworm (yes Pau) relishing the food that willingly comes to you. Oh yes, it makes you desperate even, just to save you from feeling like tinapakang tae. But alas, alas...sadly, one can rarely escape it once it runs after you. It caught me by the collar and it's choking me to death.

If you want it "straight from the horse's mouth": it hurts me. Very much. To hear your escapades, your rants, your crushes, your happy moments from someone else. To be talking in my mind instead of talking to you. To have awkward moments of silence so unlike before. To have known you so well and now see you as a stranger. To be so far away. To witness you living life without sharing it with me.

To helplessly watch the rotting log flow along the strong current of the river.

Posted by jabberwocky at 08:21 PM | 1 couch potato/es

October 21st, 2005

Bumming by Making Book Reviews for Dummies


jabberwocky
 
Oh yeaa...it's a bum's life alright...I woke up at around 2:30 pm and all I've been doing the whole day-or rather the whole afternoon- is adding pictures to my neglected friendster account. Kadire.

I finished The Time Machine last night despite the objections of my bloodshot eyes and failing body systems. Haha. And in my desperate attempts to make something out of my free time, I forced my brain to work. :D The product:

               An Amatuer Semi-Book Review: The Time Machine

It's a book, (yes of course), by H.G. Wells, who also happened to create other works of science fiction such as the classic The Invisible Man, and The War of the Worlds, all of which have been turned into movies. Anyway, it's about this time traveller, who travels into the future and finds that humanity and the world we live in have evolved into something very much different from what we know of the world today.

Humanity has evolved into two races- the "peaceful Eloi-vegetarians who tire easily-and the carnivorous, predatory Morlocks." It's very Darwininan in its portrayal of humanity and all living things as evolving beings, and though it is a very interesting possibility (for science fic is all about "exploring the fantastic possibilities of scientific discoveries" in the first place- Nyeta..ang nerd ampota!! Haha), the doctrines of my faith do not allow me to believe in this kind of theory.

Very different from the tulmultous world we have today, the world of "Eight Hundred and Two Thousand Seven Hundred and One" is a world where its inhabitants have forgotten the concept of fear, simply because they coexist with one another and all their needs are satisfied. It is a seemingly Utopian society where at first glance one might think that it has eliminated all social conflicts. However, with the distinction of the two races we see that the Eloi, those who live in the Upper-world are the rich, and they are the capitalists who benefit from the commodities produced by the Morlocks, those who live in the Underworld, and they are the proletariat, who labor in order to survive. There is a social breach, a gap, as seen in the disparity of the two races. But there is no conflict that concerns them, for they live in harmony. "The rich had been assured of his wealth and comfort, the toiler assured of his life and work." From this springs forth the explanation of their ignorance of fear for "life and property must have reached almost absolute safety." It's very Marxist as well for it analyzes social classes and envisions the futuristic world in this way where the "proletariat siezes the means of production" and both they and the bourgeois benefit equally from this system of production.

It is seemingly Utopian but it is not, for humanity at this age (if you can still call it that) has dwindled in its intelligence. I would even call it a Dystopia for humanity has greatly regressed. Imagine, humanity, once the highest form of creation, once prided itself as capable of the highest form of thinking, has now gone STUPID! What a dangerous possibility Wells has daringly (and you may even say blasphemously) created! But his explanation for such an idea reveals a relevant truth and it is this:

...Intellectual versatility is the compensation for change, danger and trouble.
...Nature never appeals to intelligence until habit and instinct are useless. There is no intelligence where there is no change and no need of change. Only those animals partake of intelligence that have to meet a huge variety of needs and dangers.
A world where there is no change and no need of change is a world that is perfect. In this kind of world, there is nothing to improve anymore , there is nothing to change and therefore there is no need to go beyond one's borders, no need to think out of the box, for there is no need of transformation. To put it simply, there is no need to do anything else but to exist. And that is where life ends.
All our lives, many people dream of a perfect world. However most fail to recognize that these imperfections give meaning to our lives. I will take the risk of sounding cheesy but it is through these imperfections that we see our need for one another and our need to make a mark, our need to make a difference in this world. It is through these conditions that we begin to have a purpose; hence, our existence gains importance and gravity in this world.
Currently feeling: brainy
Posted by jabberwocky at 09:06 PM | dive on the sofa

Sleeping for Dummies


jabberwocky
 
I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about 'Books for Dummies'.

It all started when Pau and I were talking just a while ago, and Pau started telling me about how Yumi told her that Pau needs an "ETC for Dummies" just because Pau got ETC on her cable recently and she got all excited about watching her first OC episode. Ang arte talaga at bading ni Yumi. Hehe.

So now we've thought about a hundred of "_ for Dummies" for almost all the people we know. I think I need a "Sleeping for Dummies" right now.

Oh, oh, and before anything else, *ehem, ehem* I am now a certified author of "WINNING SOLITAIRE FOR DUMMIES"!! Hahaa!! Finally! Oh shit, I need a "How NOT to become a freak for Dummies" right now. Hehe.

I think I am seriously turning into a freak. Well dati pa naman ako freak eh. Hehe. I'm starting to become really insane. First, the revival of my human Tamagotchi. I've been bugging everyone to get me AAA batteries just to make it work, and now that I have it, I have a reborn Tamagotchi named Chichi. Second, "Hygiene for Dummies." Hahaha. I don't want to explain that anymore. Third, this sudden addiction and fanaticism for solitaire has made me nuts. I was so frustrated when Sarah couldn't believe I haven't won in Solitaire yet so I made it my personal goal to win Solitaire before I die, and now, ha-ha! I finally did it! But imagine, I almost won soltaire in my ipod but accidentally pressed the stupid menu button so it dealt the cards all over again. There's also this sudden addiction with Blogspot and Blogskins. I practically spent the whole day looking for nice blogskins and trying to find my way through this html crap. Then there's fussing about science fic and buying the 1896-published "The Time Machine."

Oh my. Can you just listen to me right now? Pau's right, I need "Priorities for Dummies". Hehe. Or better yet, "Being a Student for Dummies"...or "Taking the Human Form for Dummies" Haayy..... If Pau is the author of "Tapeworm for Dummies" or "Tinapakang Tae for Dummies", then I must be the author of "Bacteria for Dummies." who seriously needs "Having a Social Life for Dummies."

You know what I think every now and then everyone wishes to have? "How Not to Have Emotion for Dummies."

Haha. Darn. I miss you. And you. And you.
Posted by jabberwocky at 08:57 PM | dive on the sofa

October 10th, 2005

Finals!!


jabberwocky

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND FOR THE MANY PEOPLE WHO WILL TAKE THE FINALS THIS WEEK.......Thank you so much!

Patayan na to......

Monday: Botany

Tuesday: (the dreaded) Math -> Please, please, please pray for me!! I super need to get high on this one.... I cannot repeat Math 11.

Wednesday: Lit

Wahooo!!!!

Posted by jabberwocky at 01:11 AM | 2 couch potato/es

September 27th, 2005

Tannins ng ina mo!!


jabberwocky

Haaay....everything is so fucked up in my life. If I even have a life. It's a pathetic excuse for a life.

I'm a fucking mediocre student who merely lives by procrastinating and cramming. Sure I get B+'s in last minute made English papers and tests, but I'm no good and everything is no good because I'm mediocre and I relish the fact that I get OK grades when I could get much higher. English and Lit aside, I'm a fucking straight F student in my fucking math long tests. How stupid is that? What makes me stupid is because I don't study for these fucking tests. Everything is just fucking stupid and annoying.

I hate secrets. I hate telling lies. I hate breaking promises. I hate living a lie. I hate loneliness, sadness, desperation. Equate all of these to me and I hate myself. Not me, but myself. That fucking part of me that chooses to do stupid things, wrong things, bad things.

I hate the doorbell because it just rang and it ruined my train of thought and concentration. I hate hate. Why am I now such an angry, hateful person? I don't even want to start with these kinds of questions because I will just go on and on asking myself, why am I irresponsible, always late, lacking in discipline and a million of other complaints that will just make me feel more shitty than I already do. Besides, I know the fucking answer to that fucking question. Because I allowed it to happen. I made those choices. I don't wanna start moralizing because I don't want to be hypocritical. I guess in a way I am.

Tangina. I don't want to pity myself anymore. This is just a mess. Everything's a mess.

I'm gonna bury myself with tannins, phenolics and all those other shit in hopes of becoming a plant. Then maybe I can photosynthesize instead and help the world.

Oh by the way, yung tannins, phenolic compound yon. Yehey. May alam. +1 sa kaalaman kong 0.11%!

Currently feeling: shitty
Posted by jabberwocky at 11:00 PM | dive on the sofa

September 14th, 2005

---


jabberwocky

I can't sleep.

Maybe it's because I feel so unloved. Who can really sleep feeling unloved? ...I guess tonight will just be a mechanical, obligatory flickering of the eyelids and prostration of one's self in a flat, empty space...where there is no one else but me.

I am just calling out to the abyss that engulfs me at the moment. The blackhole of 'nothingness' and yet everything else all jumbled up into nothing. I am not asking for any sympathy, I just simply want to get lost. In letters, words, phrases, in the middle of the night when even the cats and dogs, and the mightiest monsters are sleeping.

Hundreds of lightyears away, wishing I was I, the explosion arrives, all of matter come to a stop, until it moves slowly, very slowly, eventually whirling, rotating, spinning, eddies of lightning and thunder, face to face with an unknown I that has now become all too familiar for my fearful eyes to see.

I am empty now, the blinking cursor flashing through my eyes, the indentation of my soul has whiled away and weathered. Where is it? It seeks to find that blinding light, the powerful force, the all too familar being "inconspicuous by its absence..." *

*From an essay of Harper Lee published in Vogue April 15 1961, pp64-65. I feel that mentioning the title will disturb the nature of my disturbing entry. (If you are brilliant enough, [or if you simply took up Lit in Assumption *naks*] or perhaps if you are as strange and twisted as I am, you would have inferred that I am lacking in none other than the title of this essay.)

Posted by jabberwocky at 01:39 AM | dive on the sofa

August 20th, 2005


jabberwocky
I have yet to write an entry that is sensible and coherent. I've been reading other people's blogs and it made me realize how crude, how crass and unsharpened my writing skills are now. Yuck! Maybe it's because I havent been reading good books lately. Apart from my newfound friends Campbell, Berg, Moore, Starr & Taggart (nerd!), I haven't had the time to read anything for fun.

To my surprise and dismay, my phone's backlight suddenly stopped working and I couldnt't really read my messages since it's a little dark here in the library. Then I received a message from my love, and wah-la! My phone started working again. My world continues to revolve and the blood continues to flow though my veins again. It's funny how a simple mesage can do all those things. Hallmark cheesy ampota! Haha

I just came from INTACT community service a while ago. Thank God they allowed me to get picked up in the area since it was in muntinlupa anyway. Despite wanting to experience having and showing a preferential option for the poor (POFTP ), it's really illogical and impractical to go to ateneo, then to muntinlupa, then back to ateneo, only to be picked up to get to muntinlupa again. Let's face the fact that money isn't grown from trees and we're all trying to make the most of our resources regardless of our choice to share them or not.

Though I admit I wasn't really excited to come to school today after having 2 cotillion practices yesterday on my supposed holiday (though I had a blast yesterday), today was fun! Just going to the place was an adventure, being packed like sardines in a steaming hot jeep-like bus (yung may pintuan at bintana), going through a bumpy and traffic congested ride as some of my blockmates were playing cards and yelling at each other. (What is it with ateneans and their predilection for card games?? Everywhere I go, corridors and benches seemingly turn into mini casinos and each one is engrossed in a bunch of cards in his/her hands. I am not one of them because the only card games I know are solitaire and monkey-monkey. Hehe ) We taught the kids how to make friendship bracelets and in end, Nicole (my partner) had two bracelets on her. Yehey! Although I bought the other one before. Daya. Haha.

I want to babble on and on but nature calls. Haha kababuyan. Belly dancing na bukas sa debut na Pau! Haha! Patay patay na tayo dito! Haay Pau...the things I do for you! Haha
Currently listening to: Aqualung's Strange and Beautiful
Currently feeling: :-D
Posted by jabberwocky at 01:59 PM | dive on the sofa

August 18th, 2005

Naluto ang utak ko ngayon sa math midterms.

Masaya pala ang botany. Biruin mo, pati yung mga maliliit na tuldok sa stem ng halaman na nagbibigay ng magaspaspang na texture ay may pangalan. (Lenticels for geseous exchange.) At pati yung mga bumps/cysts sa roots ng halaman na may lamang bacteria (eew?) ay may pangalan din? (Root nodules for turning atmospheric N2 into more usable forms.) Grabe naman talaga. Ang lungkot isipin na ang ibang bata nga ay gumagala-gala sa kalye ni walang magulang, tirahan o pangalan lamang, habang ang mga tuldok o bacteria sa halaman ay may pangalan pa. Wala lang.

Bukas, isa lang ang klase ko, Filipino, 12:00-1:30. Putek. Di pa ginawang free cut. Sayang sa oras at gasolina. Should I or should I not come to school tomorrow?

I feel so alone. It's so sad. It's like I'm slowly losing myself. Withering and falling apart....
Posted by jabberwocky at 01:05 AM | 4 couch potato/es
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